2007 Ogden City Primary Election Voter's Guide -

First of all, how do you folks like my new photo? Gadi Leshem and Curt Geiger had a professional photographer take some shots of me for the campaign, and I like this one the best. Gadi said it would look good being blown up and hung behind the city council, and then he laughed and lit a cigar with one of the subpoenas he keeps getting.

Anyway, speaking of the city council, here are my recommendations on those races since you’ll need to know who to vote for. Print this voter guide and take it with you to the polls on September 11, 2007.

THE GOOD

Kent Peterson – Kent made most of his money by being smart enough to be born to a guy with a new car franchise – nice move, Kent. And all that scuttlebutt about him losing $1million of his inherited cash to a Ponzi scheme with Wayne Ogden has nothing to do with his qualifications for office. After all, I lost $5 million of taxpayer money when I bulldozed Woodbury’s building on the old mall site without asking them for permission. What’s the big deal?

Royal Eccles – For years people have been complaining that there isn’t enough inherited-wealth elitism on the city council, so here it is. The name says it all. Remember, vote for the guy with the diamond pinky ring, and you can’t go wrong.

Kevin Irons, Dennis Howland and Blaine Johnson – A bunch of nobodies I have in the race to Hoover up votes from all the people who can’t stomach voting for the likes of Royal and Kent. Kevin, Dennis, and Blaine are three guys I know I can rely on, if by some snowball’s chance they win.

Brandon Stephenson – He’s unopposed, so bite me.

THE BAD

Amy Wicks – This chick investigated how much money I spent on the gondola, and came up with about six grand, when I’ve actually spent several hundred thousand. How incompetent is that?

Caitlin K. Gochnour – An outdoor nut who will likely vote in favor of squirrels and pine trees instead of the asphalt spreaders and gravel pits that are the foundation of our economy. She’s also a marathon runner – and she’ll need to be one, to beat my man Kent. Hey Cat, better get your sweat on, sweetheart!

Sheila P. Aardema – You’ve heard of “space freaks?” Well, this woman is an “open space” freak, so if you like the good, prosperous sound of dump trucks rolling past your house all day, you can forget about it with this pine nut. Plus, for you “small government” types, she’s the wife of a former Ben Lomond High School principal – in other words she’s married to a retired educrat. Sounds great, doesn’t she?

Dirk Youngberg – this guy is a city employee. Hey Dirk, if you don’t win, and I do, you’d better start looking for another job, if you get my drift.

Jim Freed – A gadfly from Smart Growth Ogden, and a general pain in the butt. He’s retired from Hill AFB so he’s basically another retired bureaucrat. Sounds real exciting, doesn’t he?

THE UGLY

Hey, no wise cracks about my photo . . . Why aren’t I commenting on my mayoral challengers, you ask? Well, maybe you should just start thinking about the damage I’ll do if I lose – between the time of the election and when I have to leave office in January – now that’s ugly.

So don’t let your wandering eyes stray to Hansen or VanHooser. Remember whose prison dame you are.

She came from outer space

Now that “Beatnick McTrentleman” has stabbed me in the back on the gondola with his commentary in the paper, maybe it’s time I came clean on my real reasons for wanting it. Then you’ll all understand why I am willing to do whatever it takes, including climbing into bed with Chris Peterson. It’s that important.

Several months ago I was in my office late one night, and I was looking at some of the Internet sites that Scott Brown told me to look at. He said they are places executives like me use to relax.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I opened it, and as I looked up and down the personage that stood before me, I began to wonder if she could be real, or if she might be from another planet. She spoke to me in English, and although she didn’t write anything down, she called herself “Zorna.” She said she came from a strange place she called “Udda-da-Vyduc.”

As a person of strange spirituality, I felt a rush of emotion. What happened next, there in my office over the next hour and a half, was the most spiritually-satisfying experience of my life. It was not of this world. Taking a C note from my wallet – presumably only what was needed to refuel her spacecraft – she left.

Several weeks later, I wished to commune with her again, and I tried to contact her with the usual methods: I put aluminum foil on my head and connected wires to my fillings. But her message to me came in another form.

It started with a strange oozing – one that burned like the exhaust from her space ship – followed by tiny red and white spots all over my body – here’s the amazing part – that in places spelled the letters Z, L and G.

Talk about advanced communication. What do you know that starts with these letters? That’s right: Zorna, Lift Ogden and gondola. And if you think about it, the gondola route will form a giant Z, signaling for Zorna to return from the sky.

When I first told Curt about my visitor, he said he too had received a visitation from this strange and wonderful being. Neither Chris nor Bob have communed with her yet, but if you look closely at the artwork in their homes you will find much of it now incorporates the shape of the astral pyramid, a well-known calling signal for extraterrestrials. As we all wait, what else can we do, but hold to the vision?

Zorna, does this blog reach planet Udda? Can you beam me up? The giant Z will soon be visible.