Ogden City 2009 General Election Voting Guide

Ogden City 2009 General Election Voting Guide

Special Guest Commentary from Mayor Godfrey

You’ve probably heard about how abusive I am toward the women on the city council. Some people think I’ve gotten even more crabby than ever since all my projects are going to pot. But in reality, my administration has always taken a consistent approach toward women. Take my Business Development manager, Scott Brown, who had to resign because of sexual harassment charges and computer porn, or my current Chief Administrative Officer, John Patterson, who had to quit his last job because of having an affair with one of his subordinates.

You see, when these city council women sometimes won’t meet with me when I command them to, it reminds me of the way women have treated me all my life – they ignore me. Most women don’t know their place and how they should serve a man. When the members of my administration have affairs, abuse women or look at computer porn, they are just tying to help themselves to see women in their proper role.

Take my problem with council chairman Amy Wicks. She’s a woman, but she acts like a man, by having her own opinions on things. One day I started to give her a piece of my mind, and one of my people took this picture. You can see in my eyes that I don’t like women to ignore me.

To drive home the point, I called my people at the newspaper and told them to hit the women on the council, which they did. The newspaper not only told the women to let me beat them up as much as I want, they even called on Amy Wicks to resign. Click here to read their brilliant editorial. Who’s the boss now, Amy?

But I didn’t want to take all day talking about the proper role of women. I wanted to talk about who you should vote for in the upcoming election on November 3, to implement my vision.

At Large Seat A

Mark “Stinky” Haines

You probably remember my new committee that I talked about in the primary: the “Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United.” Hains is in charge of this committee now since my other candidate lost out in the primary.

Now somebody told me if you take the capital letters of my committee, it spells out something not very nice. Well, I’m not changing the name because I’ve never admitted to making a mistake in my life, and I’m not going to start now.

Haines is a real estate agent. He gets his nickname “Stinky” from the expression that he gets on his face whenever he sees or smells open space. Stinky Haines is getting a little on in years and so he doesn’t like to walk too far when he’s selling homes – condos are much better for him. So he’s running for city council to help me put condos all over the East Bench.

Look, Haines is a real estate agent, with real estate money bankrolling him. Haines understands that the East Bench needs to be bulldozed. Why else would he be running and raking in all that real estate and contractor campaign cash? But he’s not going to come out and say it because the naysayers will complain. You can figure that out for yourself, can’t you, Sherlock?

Susan Van Hooser

This is the woman who ran against me in my last election for mayor. My lawyers intimidated the county elections director (another woman) into throwing out enough ballots to barely make me the winner. It’s seems easier for me nowadays to intimidate some women into doing what I want. If only I could take that ability and go back in time to High School.

Anyway, VanHooser has tons of useless public service, and she’s been on the city council. She listens to people, studies issues, and thinks before voting. And she is courageous. In other words, she’s another woman who has her own mind and is no good for anything. Do you really want me to have to deal with another independent minded woman?

At Large Seat B

David “Alfred E” Phipps

I still think the campaign portrait I had done for Phipps is a near perfect likeness.

Phipps’ campaign got off to a slow start. First, he put the wrong seat he was running for on his signs. Then he sent out a flyer saying people were supporting him who actually weren’t. Then he apologized. Then he did it all over again.

Then to top it off, this screwball let everyone know that he just moved to Ogden from Sugarhouse during the last year, and doesn’t even own a home in Ogden – he rents. (The dummy posted it on his blog! Then when people started noticing, he took it down. But the darned naysayers still have it available to read here.) And he tells people he has a business in Ogden, but he’s really just a real estate agent in Layton. And to add the frosting to the cake, he admitted in the Standard-Examiner via this very morning's Scott Schwebke story that he committed voter fraud in Salt Lake County on November 4, 2008! With this kind of sloppy work and calm, casual falsification, you can see why I love this guy!

On the bright side, when people ask why he knows nothing about Ogden, he can claim it’s because he just moved here. That way, people may overlook the fact that he actually doesn’t have the lights on upstairs either.

But he doesn’t have to be the brightest bulb in the box to take my cronies’ campaign cash and buy a council seat for himself. Phipps just has to keep going around saying he’s independent while he keeps taking the money my cronies give him. In the end, my supporters know Phipps will do what he’s told. Enough said.

Bart Blair

Bart Blair’s family business has been in Ogden for over 50 years – Blair’s Service. Those who are familiar with it know it is a clean place that does an honest business in good times and bad. People trust him and come back again and again.

In other words, he’s a dinosaur who is out of touch with my new approach to business. Blair refuses to get with my “Godfrey School Business Model,” which involves me selling off public land to my cronies on the cheap while they write me campaign checks.

In the 10 years I’ve been in office, this guy has taken none of my graft and has not given me a single kickback. Do you really want him to apply his work ethic and real-world business sense to Ogden City?

Municipal Ward 1

Neil “Doughboy” Garner

Garner looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. At least I guess he does. I’ve never met him.

I said I needed somebody to get rid of Garcia, and they got this guy. My people have given him so much money he ought to be able to get elected to anything. With all that money I’ve fronted him, I guess he really is the “dough” boy. So I’m right as usual. I’m a genius even when I’m not trying.

Jesse Garcia

Garcia gets in my way. I tried to kill Union Station and he stopped me. I tried to close the Marshall White Center, and he blocked it. He lives in a district full of lower and middle income people. So why do they need any public facilities – they’re poor, right? I thought those people were supposed to entertain themselves by dancing or something. I need money for my failing projects downtown and since people in Garcia’s district rarely vote, I decided I can axe all the stuff in their neighborhoods and get the money I need. But Garcia keeps getting in my way. He’s my #1 target in this election.


Municipal Ward 3

Patrick “Invisible Man” Dean

I’ve never met this guy. I’ve never seen him, and I don’t know anybody who can describe anything about him. The people who finance me apparently found him someplace, and got him to run by telling him the job pays several hundred dollars a month. They assure me he’ll do what I tell him to do. This is exactly the kind of visionary, forward-looking candidate we need more of in Ogden.

Doug Stephens

Stephens is the incumbent. He votes with me sometimes, but I still have to talk him into things. And for some reason, he seems to like to hear other opinions as well. I’m tired of this guy and need somebody who is easier to work with.

In Summary

It’s easy to tell which ones are my candidates, because they are the ones being funded by the same people who bankroll my campaigns. My candidates were dug up by, and funded by, my back scratching real estate people and crony contractors who make their money from big government projects, from carving up raw land into condos, and from fomenting a lot of house turnover so they can collect their commissions. In other words, my candidates are those who will do what my bankrollers tell them to do – just as I do – for the good of Ogden.

So if you’re tired of council meetings, public hearings, public input, discussion, and a sense that there is more than one opinion in Ogden, this is your chance to do something about it. Vote for my candidates, and all discussion will end. If you’ve ever watched what happens when I get one of my people on the city council, you know they always, always do what I tell them to do.

On a final note, I wanted to show you the new place in my office I have for uppity women and people who disagree with me. Yeah, it’s right here:


In fact, for anybody who doesn’t agree with me, this is where they can go. Just put your hands together, and jump. So you see, I do have a place in my office for alternative opinions after all.

Ogden City Primary Election Voter’s Guide for 2009

Ogden City Primary Election Voter’s Guide for 2009

Weber County Forum Special Guest Commentary

Dear Friends,

I, your mayor, have been on a roll lately. I just got the tax increment for downtown extended, so I have School taxes and County taxes I can bond against for twelve more years. The depleted borrowing capacity of Ogden City can no longer stop my vision.

Plus, I have the city council lined up to vote for my new water tanks at 36th Street so I can build my gargantuan motel and condo project at the golf course, paid for by city water bills.

Just like all little piglets know – when I suck one teat dry, I just find myself another one!

Anyway, now that I have the water rate payers covering the cost of my golf course “handoff” and construction project, I’ve been able to start calling contractors to do the deal for me. As you can see from the expression on my face, I’m getting some very favorable responses! I’m glad to say that even in today’s economy, there are still plenty of contractors and bankers who are willing to take a big chunk of “public nuisance” land off my hands for next to nothing!

But I’m getting off track. Today I wanted to let you know about the people running for city council, while showcasing my own personal favorites. I even utilized the help of my business development office, to give these recommendations a professional quality. So without further adieu, please consider my recommendations.

At Large Seat B – David “Alfred E” Phipps

David’s nickname is “Alfred E” because that’s what everyone called him when he was a kid. This race is so important to me I had a campaign portrait commissioned for him (with his tie straightened). Like everything I do, I think it turned out rather well, don’t you?

“Alfred E” Phipps is very sensitive to Ogden issues. You can see for yourself in his letter to the editor, where he refers to Ogden as an “armpit” and an “unsafe place”.

No wonder he chose to have his business office located in Layton! So the next time you’re in Layton to get away from the drive-by shootings in Ogden, stop in, and tell him “Hi”. His address and real estate profile are here.

In his letter to the editor, you’ll notice he also did a super job of lying about all the debt that I’ve piled on, and made it sound like you taxpayers would never have to pay for any of it! He wrote his letter 2 years ago to help me get re-elected, and since then, taxpayers have been paying through the nose for the Salomon Center debt!

Now I know you people keep knocking me on my record. But notice that Alfred E not only has a keen sense of how bad things look after ten years of ME as mayor, but he supports me anyway. No wonder I love him! He’s loyal! Vote for “Alfred E” Phipps!

Municipal Ward 1 – Travis “G-Trav” Pate

If there’s one guy who is more dyed-in-the-wool, pro-gondola than even me, it’s Travis Pate. He’s had some trouble holding a job, but he sure could hold a “Lift Ogden” sign when he worked for the very pro-gondola Chamber of Commerce. He’s also a close associate of my personal friend Sue “G-Train” Wilkerson. That’s why people call him “G-Trav” Pate.

Now, you’ve probably all heard about the basement room under the home of Jay Asquith Cavendish. It’s where an important new committee meets – one that I formed between the Chamber of Commerce and the Realty people called the... Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United!

Since the Chamber of Commerce meets there, we call the meetings “Down in the Chamber with the Chamber.”

Here’s a picture of G-Trav all dressed up in his curly wig and suit, getting ready to plot ways to borrow money from banks and spend it on building projects – in other words, plotting ways to Lift Ogden!

I’ve held many important meetings in this basement with our city’s rightful leaders, and have had many good times there. And G-Trav fits in perfectly with our group!

So whether you want to see the gondola get built, love borrow-and-spend government, or just want to give an unemployed guy a break, vote for G-Trav Pate!

At Large Seat A – Mark “Stinky” Hains

Stinky Hains has only one person running against him so you won’t get to vote for him until the general election on November 3. But I wanted to introduce you to him right now anyway.

Nobody knows whether “Stinky” got his nickname from 14 years in the real estate business, or from the expression he gets on his face whenever he smells fresh air blowing off undeveloped land that could be plowed under for new houses!

But you can see at his website that Stinky is an avid photographer. And you have to admit, looking at his self-portrait you can almost imagine him sniffing the stink from the undeveloped hillside! You have to admit, Stinky is one accurate photographer!

In addition to paving every inch of open space into row houses, what Stinky wants is for Ogden to get moving – literally! Whether you love me or hate me, you have to admit, I make people want to MOVE – if I’m not actually forcing them to MOVE! And as a real estate guy, that’s what puts money in Stinky’s pocket. In fact, it’s the only thing that puts money in his pocket!

Real estate people are used to getting what they want, so expect to see a lot of campaign signs to buy Stinky’s election, paid for by the... Supreme Committee of Real Estate Workers – United!

And the next time you see some disgusting, wasteful open space, pinch your nose and remember to vote for Stinky Hains!

In Conclusion

Now I admit, my list of candidates this time around may be a little forgettable! So to help you remember those who will rubber stamp my plans – people I respectfully call my “Godfreyites” – take a minute to click and print my...

“Mayor Godfrey’s Clip and Carry Guide to the Primary Candidates”

Now I was going to write some additional comments, but the bank is on the phone. They’re going to pull their Salomon Center loan again and then re-issue it, so they can charge another $1 million fee, which is no problem, since these guys are always good for my very reasonable 1% kickback! Like I said, I’m on a roll!

And remember, if I can get a bunch of my rubber stamps on the city council you won’t have to worry about anything. (And it won’t make any difference if you worry anyway, since none of my Godfreyites will listen to what anybody tells them except me!) So be sure to take my “clip and carry guide” to the polls with you on September 15!

Once again here's the link to the “Mayor Godfrey’s Clip and Carry Guide to the Primary Candidates – Vote on SEPTEMBER 15th”

Campaign Thoughts . . .

My dear friends, now that the election is over, I think it’s time to look to the past, to the future, and to think about where we’ve been and about where we want to go. Perhaps it’s fitting that elections happen around Halloween, since they have many similarities – people walking around ringing doorbells, looking to get “candy” in the form of “votes.”

Speaking of candy if I can digress for a moment, don’t you hate it when you go trick or treating and somebody gives you one of those little rolls of Smarties, or a salt water taffy, or some other cheap stuff?

I remember years ago when I was a boy, you could go trick or treating and get a 3 Musketeers as big as a man’s wrist. I’d dress up in my trademark Eddie Munster costume, and collect a bagful of Butterfingers, Baby Ruths, or full Hershey bars. Of course, that was all during Ogden’s “glory days.” But then one day, at Mr. Goodman’s house, I knew it was all beginning to end.

I had spent many a lazy summer afternoon at Mr. G’s place, looking through the health magazines he’d give me. I noticed they were mostly pictures of women, but Mr. G said looking at pictures of both men and women, and learning how our bodies function, is an important part of a man’s heath.

Anyway, one Halloween evening I took my friends over to Mr. G’s house. By this time, we already had our sacks full of Snickers, Sugar Daddys, and the medium sized bags of M&M’s. I had told my friends about Mr. G and all the new worlds he’d opened up to me, and I told them to expect something really good.

So what did he give us? One by one, he dropped one of those tiny little boxes of raisins into each sack. You know the ones – probably no more than a dozen dry, hard raisins in each little red box. Then he looked at me and spread his wide, thin lips, and laughed through his cracked, yellow teeth.

Good times – yes – there had been many. But even then, I could tell my life, and Ogden, were beginning to go downhill.

He took off his glasses as he laughed, and I saw large white patches of dry, pale skin around each eye that I hadn’t noticed before. With his “headlights” and massive row of teeth, he looked like my father’s Cadillac. I didn’t think of Mr. G again until months later, as my dad was pulling in late one night. I was sitting there in the driveway, playing with a flashlight, some insects, and a pair of pliers, and as my father’s car ran over me I remember it was if I could see Mr. G’s face in the headlights and grille, except of course, the Caddie didn’t have nose hairs blowing in and out.

Needless to say, the memory of Mr. G had already started to fade by then, and when my mom got mad that he was still sending me Hallmark cards, I knew the glory days were truly gone.

In later years, for Halloween, I tried dressing up as Lily Munster, as Grandpa Munster, and I even got some legs stilts and did a full Herman one year, but when I never got the jumbo Snickers or even the SweetTarts anymore, I knew that Ogden had started a long, downhill slide. These are the reasons then, why I’ve run for mayor – to spend millions in borrowed money to revitalize the city and return it to the heyday that we all remember from years gone past.

I mentioned Mr. Goodman, and some of you who, like me, grew up around here may remember him. Sadly, I did not have Mr. Goodman’s support in any of my election campaigns, as he passed on in the late 1980’s. I did want to talk about my goals for the next four years, but perhaps I can just take a moment to give Mr. Goodman something of a short eulogy, since he didn’t receive one at his funeral, which I attended.

Strangely for such a generous man – at least, one who shared so much with me – he had few friends his own age. When he died, no one realized it for several days, until a peeping tom noticed there had been little going on in the house for several nights, and called the police.

The cadaver was quickly hauled off to a mortician, who was the father of one of my friends.

His corpse was quickly pickled and interred in the family crypt, but knowing his wishes, I resolved to retrieve his long, gaunt body and give it the sendoff he had always specified. Imagine my surprise when I arrived at the mausoleum, crowbar in hand, and found a rather large collection of his friends – other boys – who had come for the same purpose. Luckily, the gravedigger’s son had a key, and to our surprise, he (in spite of being too young to drive) had arrived driving Mr. Goodman’s car. It was disappointing to find Mr. G’s formerly supple body as stiff as the slab on which he lay, but we bent him at the waist, and respectfully stuffed him into the passenger seat of his 1972 Crown Victoria Brougham.

We arrived at the point of interment, which was one of those little turn-ins near the dam at Pineview Reservoir.

Knowing his time had been near, Mr. G had placed the things he knew that we would need in the trunk of his car. Quietly, we jacked it up and placed the cinderblock under the differential. Reverently placing him in the driver’s seat, with a 2x4 between his legs to hold the gas pedal to the floor, and after attaching a rope to the shift lever, we started the car.

Sadly, the racing of the engine made a spoken eulogy impossible at that time – a pity, for we each had so much we wanted to say. And so, waiting for a break in the traffic that was passing by on the highway, we each said “amen,” then one of us pulled the shift lever into “drive,” and little Johnny Fuchs pushed the car off the cinder block.

Mr. G had always been a Star Trek fan, and we felt he would have been pleased with the massive, twin columns of dirt that rocketed back from the car as her wheels hit the ground, as if blasting from the perfectly paired engines of the USS Enterprise herself.

His Crown Vic headed toward the berm at the edge of the drop off like a retiree headed for a smorgasbord, and when she hit the edge, and then took flight over the lake, every boy sighed.

We hadn’t realized that such things in the movies are carefully engineered events, and when we saw the Vic do a complete somersault in the air before hitting the water face forward, it came as something of a surprise. What I remember most was the sound of breaking glass, but Little Johnny said he swears that Mr. G. came to life and leapt out of the car at the last minute, through the back window.

As we reminisced there at the edge of the lake, we realized that Little Johnny had not experienced the full range of our friend’s gregariousness, having only been offered the health magazines in Mr. G’s living room, but having been yet too young to be taken into the locked guest bedroom that we called, “the vault.” And now, we all knew that since the police had now cordoned off the house, “the vault” was someplace that Little Johnny Fuchs would never go.

And so, if you see me sometime gazing wistfully over the calm waters of Pineview with my hands in my pockets, you will know why. It is in those calm moments when I can almost feel as though my boyhood friend is still with me. And in a way, each time I raise a glass of water to my lips, I feel that that somehow a little of Mr. Goodman is inside each of us.

And now, I see the time has gone and I haven’t talked about my goals for the next four years. Perhaps I can just conclude with this thought. Working together, with a good bank loan office, there’s nothing we can’t do, together.

Ogden City 2007 General Election Voter's Guide -


Dear Friends,

I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, and I would like to express my appreciation to you for the primary election results. As you probably know, I trounced both my opponents: Neil Hansen by a whopping 2:1 margin, and Susan VanHooser by a blistering 241 votes. All told, I won a cool 40% of the vote.

Now that some time has passed from my landslide victory, I thought I might use this forum to offer a little advice to my preferred city council candidates, and briefly mention the others.

Council Seat A

Vote for: Blain Johnson. Some of you who’ve seen Blain’s campaign flyers might feel you’ve seen him somewhere before. Well, Blain is a lawyer and is rumored have a twin brother named Roger who works at the San Diego aquarium. This may account for why he is so sensitive about lawyer jokes. But if you look closely at the smiles, and especially at the eyes, you can see why people think they’ve seen Blain somewhere before. Blain is also a board member of my Ogden Community Foundation, where we make real estate transactions for the city. For instance, my foundation took the AmCan building off the city’s hands, and then sold it to John Peddie for $3 million. Then, Peddie came right back to the city for $1.6 million in tax increment subsidies. Guess who their attorney was? That’s right! It was Blain Johnson! Does this guy know how to cover both ends of a deal or what? Just think, if you elect him to the city council he’ll have that end covered too! Blain and “Roger the shark” definitely have at least one thing in common: When something drifts by them, they both know how to sink in their teeth and tear off a nice chunk for themselves!

Don’t vote for: Shiela Aardema. She’s the wife of Ralph Aardema, who used to be principal of Ben Lomond High School and a Stake President. Sheila has a long list of public service she has performed, and she says she wants to be honest and open in government, and form consensus. Sounds naïve, doesn’t she?

Council Seat C

Vote for: Royal Eccles. I know you’re all glad to hear that I’m taking the sale of the golf course and surrounding land “off the table” for this election, which leaves my man Eccles feeling a little unbalanced. You see, he signed his name to a petition that would have led to the golf course being sold to Chris Peterson, even before Chris asked for it! You can see his name listed alphabetically on the petition, by clicking here. He even built an upcoming campaign flyer around it his support for selling the golf course as you can see in the photo. You people who were worried about what would happen after Chris Peterson bulldozed all that land and the canyon winds hit it, should have realized that “Dusty” Eccles had a plan all ready for you! But for some reason, in the primary results, he didn’t carry his own neighborhood. It seems a majority of the people who know Eccles best didn’t vote for him. Of course, it’s a little embarrassing for him now that I’ve changed my golf course position, but think of it this way: Where else can I find a man who makes snap, imprudent decisions with absolutely no information, and signs his name to it? Well, that’s the kind of knee jerk obedience I can use on the city council! And while some may think he’s rich, he’s not. He comes from the poorer side of the Eccles family. But if you’ve seen all his campaign signs, you can tell he still knows how throw money around like it grows on trees. Who does that remind you of? His proven track record of freehanded spending is just another in a list of reasons why Dusty Eccles will be perfect on the city council.

Don’t vote for: Amy Wicks. She is running on a platform of hard work, experience on the council, and a track record of listening to the public. Whoa, Nellie! Get out the honey glaze! She’s done!

Municipal Ward 4

Vote for: Kent Peterson. Kent is another visionary who urged the city to sell the golf course, even before Chris Peterson submitted a plan, or even asked for it! Click here. This deep thinker is one of the most famous people in Ogden. Everyone remembers him from various “roles” he has played over the years. And focusing on Kent’s past helps us to forget his present, like how he was bilked by con man Wayne Ogden. Kent, who once owned Peterson Motors, is now reduced to donning a captain’s hat and running a boat store. But now that he’s also running for city council, I suggest we forget his mistakes and focus on a cheerful campaign slogan like, “Keep your chin up, Skipper!” I’d love to have this yes-man doing my bidding on the council. But Kent, when you get on the council I’d appreciate it if you’d quit calling me your “little buddy.”

Don’t vote for: Caitlin Gochnour. She’s a marathon runner with a long resume of public service. She says she wants to save open space, repair infrastructure, and reduce crime, which shows her inexperience in government. Caitlin doesn’t see the value of Ogden’s weekly killings, shootings, and gunplay, all while people are paying good money to see shootouts in places like Tombstone, Arizona and Knotts Berry Farm! Earth to Caitlin: Think tourism!

Mayor’s Race.

Vote for: ME. If you haven’t learned by now how hard I’ve been working for you, click here and have a look at page 124. (I mean the page with “124” written on the actual page. Look at the table entitled “Ogden City Ratios of Outstanding Debt by Type”.) Take a look at the column marked “Total Primary Government,” and you will see we’ve gone from $55 million in debt in 2003, to $93 million in 2006. If you want to know how to make things in a city look good, this is how. You have to spend a lot of borrowed money, fast, and that takes HARD WORK! And those figures don’t even include the final cost for the Salomon Center! Now that’s momentum!

Don’t vote for: Susan VanHooser. She has a lifelong record of public service and leadership in a variety of areas. She says she want to find common ground and bring common sense back to government. Susan, when you have your dinner tonight, try dishing yourself a few less helpings of BORING.

In Summary:

So on the one hand is my team of MEN – good herd followers and lapdogs that I can count on to do my bidding without thinking. So I say to all my fellow men out there: Do what I tell you, and get out there and vote for your own kind – a bunch of other MEN – with good, American-sounding names:

ME, Matt Godfrey
Blain “Gills” Johnson,
Royal “Dusty” Eccles, and
Kent “Skipper” Peterson.

And then go home and tell your womenfolk to vote the same way (or tell them to stay home), before they vote for a bunch of WOMEN candidates, who will waste time asking for opinions, weighing issues, and using their judgment like women always do. I’m talking about VanHooser, Aardema, Wicks, and Gochnour. (What kind of names are those anyway?)

It should be easy enough for you to decide. The election is November 6.

2007 Ogden City Primary Election Voter's Guide -

First of all, how do you folks like my new photo? Gadi Leshem and Curt Geiger had a professional photographer take some shots of me for the campaign, and I like this one the best. Gadi said it would look good being blown up and hung behind the city council, and then he laughed and lit a cigar with one of the subpoenas he keeps getting.

Anyway, speaking of the city council, here are my recommendations on those races since you’ll need to know who to vote for. Print this voter guide and take it with you to the polls on September 11, 2007.

THE GOOD

Kent Peterson – Kent made most of his money by being smart enough to be born to a guy with a new car franchise – nice move, Kent. And all that scuttlebutt about him losing $1million of his inherited cash to a Ponzi scheme with Wayne Ogden has nothing to do with his qualifications for office. After all, I lost $5 million of taxpayer money when I bulldozed Woodbury’s building on the old mall site without asking them for permission. What’s the big deal?

Royal Eccles – For years people have been complaining that there isn’t enough inherited-wealth elitism on the city council, so here it is. The name says it all. Remember, vote for the guy with the diamond pinky ring, and you can’t go wrong.

Kevin Irons, Dennis Howland and Blaine Johnson – A bunch of nobodies I have in the race to Hoover up votes from all the people who can’t stomach voting for the likes of Royal and Kent. Kevin, Dennis, and Blaine are three guys I know I can rely on, if by some snowball’s chance they win.

Brandon Stephenson – He’s unopposed, so bite me.

THE BAD

Amy Wicks – This chick investigated how much money I spent on the gondola, and came up with about six grand, when I’ve actually spent several hundred thousand. How incompetent is that?

Caitlin K. Gochnour – An outdoor nut who will likely vote in favor of squirrels and pine trees instead of the asphalt spreaders and gravel pits that are the foundation of our economy. She’s also a marathon runner – and she’ll need to be one, to beat my man Kent. Hey Cat, better get your sweat on, sweetheart!

Sheila P. Aardema – You’ve heard of “space freaks?” Well, this woman is an “open space” freak, so if you like the good, prosperous sound of dump trucks rolling past your house all day, you can forget about it with this pine nut. Plus, for you “small government” types, she’s the wife of a former Ben Lomond High School principal – in other words she’s married to a retired educrat. Sounds great, doesn’t she?

Dirk Youngberg – this guy is a city employee. Hey Dirk, if you don’t win, and I do, you’d better start looking for another job, if you get my drift.

Jim Freed – A gadfly from Smart Growth Ogden, and a general pain in the butt. He’s retired from Hill AFB so he’s basically another retired bureaucrat. Sounds real exciting, doesn’t he?

THE UGLY

Hey, no wise cracks about my photo . . . Why aren’t I commenting on my mayoral challengers, you ask? Well, maybe you should just start thinking about the damage I’ll do if I lose – between the time of the election and when I have to leave office in January – now that’s ugly.

So don’t let your wandering eyes stray to Hansen or VanHooser. Remember whose prison dame you are.

She came from outer space

Now that “Beatnick McTrentleman” has stabbed me in the back on the gondola with his commentary in the paper, maybe it’s time I came clean on my real reasons for wanting it. Then you’ll all understand why I am willing to do whatever it takes, including climbing into bed with Chris Peterson. It’s that important.

Several months ago I was in my office late one night, and I was looking at some of the Internet sites that Scott Brown told me to look at. He said they are places executives like me use to relax.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. I opened it, and as I looked up and down the personage that stood before me, I began to wonder if she could be real, or if she might be from another planet. She spoke to me in English, and although she didn’t write anything down, she called herself “Zorna.” She said she came from a strange place she called “Udda-da-Vyduc.”

As a person of strange spirituality, I felt a rush of emotion. What happened next, there in my office over the next hour and a half, was the most spiritually-satisfying experience of my life. It was not of this world. Taking a C note from my wallet – presumably only what was needed to refuel her spacecraft – she left.

Several weeks later, I wished to commune with her again, and I tried to contact her with the usual methods: I put aluminum foil on my head and connected wires to my fillings. But her message to me came in another form.

It started with a strange oozing – one that burned like the exhaust from her space ship – followed by tiny red and white spots all over my body – here’s the amazing part – that in places spelled the letters Z, L and G.

Talk about advanced communication. What do you know that starts with these letters? That’s right: Zorna, Lift Ogden and gondola. And if you think about it, the gondola route will form a giant Z, signaling for Zorna to return from the sky.

When I first told Curt about my visitor, he said he too had received a visitation from this strange and wonderful being. Neither Chris nor Bob have communed with her yet, but if you look closely at the artwork in their homes you will find much of it now incorporates the shape of the astral pyramid, a well-known calling signal for extraterrestrials. As we all wait, what else can we do, but hold to the vision?

Zorna, does this blog reach planet Udda? Can you beam me up? The giant Z will soon be visible.

We Have Lift Off!!

. . . or perhaps I should say we have Lift Ogden!

Some of you have been expressing excitement about my Salomon Center! And with the recent SE editorial about my gondola study (where they called and got all the facts from me), and after today’s editorial that I basically wrote for them, I felt that perhaps things are starting to go my way! So I thought I’d let you in on a little more information!

First, let me give you a quick list of ten reasons why the Sal Center will be a unique, one of a kind, not duplicated anywhere, family fun center for the whole family.

1. It will be unique.
2. It will be one of a kind.
3. It will be unlike anything else.
4. It will be for family fun.
5. It will be a center for fun.
6. It will be for the whole family.
7 through 10. There were a lot of other reasons the salesmen and contractors told me that I can’t remember, but they were really good reasons, believe me.

Now, you might be wondering why this will be so unique. Well let me ask you, how many places can you go, where you can bowl and get fast food, right at the same place? Add miniature golf and bumper cars, and you’d have to go all the way to Salt Lake to get that - to the 49th Street Galleria before it went broke, or after they renamed it the Utah Fun Dome before it went belly up. But there will be even more to do at the Sal Center, once we plug in the flow rider and fill it up with water. (And we'll also have an arcade like the Fun Dome did before it went out of business.) Anyway, how many places are like that?

But the real draw . . . is the SKYDIVING BLOWER!!

Think about it, people spend $40 for a day’s fun at Lagoon, or maybe $60 at a ski resort including the skis. They spend $80 for a day at Disneyland. But ask yourself this. What if a person wants to drop seventy five bills but doesn’t have all day? Well in Ogden, people can get $75 worth of fun – and it will only cost them SIX MINUTES!! People are always saying they don’t have enough time. So now, we are the only place in the West where you can spend a whole lot of money to have fun, and use up only a few minutes of your time! It’s pure marketing genius. And I was able to do it all for $50 million in taxpayer money, with change.

And if we get only ten percent of the business that Disneyland gets, it will be a pure goldmine! Think of it! Only ten percent and it will still be a goldmine!! (Of course, if we get less than 10% of Disneyland’s traffic it could be a huge problem.)

Anyway . . . Victory!! Lift Ogden!!!

You know, before I became mayor, it seemed like I used to get taken for a ride every time a new huckster came along. But now, as I look back, I can’t believe how much I’ve grown in this job, and how much smarter I’ve become. The people at the paper have always been able to see that. Thank goodness some of the naysayers are starting to see it too.