All About Sue -

With all the interest there still is in the selection process relating to Susan VanHooser, I have to wonder, why didn’t you just ask?

I told my most reliable Council operatives that if there were to be five finalists, to forget the CEO, the CFO, and all those other idiots. I told them I wanted: Three jerks, one Mexican, and one puppy. In other words, I needed four they would not choose, and one they couldn’t resist, so the vote would be unanimous. I was glad to see for the five, they picked my friend JT, plus a thief, plus a homeless man, plus the required Mexican. I was delighted that for the puppy, they chose a clone of the last puppy they had to pick for a Council replacement (Donna Burdett). They got somebody who is non-controversial, easy to manipulate, and who is experienced in government services, i.e. kissing up to the big boys.

As a matter of fact, since I have frozen DNA samples of all Council members I will give $1000 to the first person who can show even one genome of difference between Donna Burdett and Susan VanHooser. (For those wanting to enter the competition, you can pick your vial up at my secretary’s freezer with a $100 deposit for when you lose.)

Some said I looked unhappy when Sue was chosen. No, what you saw was disgust. Like the videos I watch in my den after midnight, there are things in this life that I may find revolting, but that I know I have to do – like working within a system that refuses to give me the carte blanche power I deserve, making me resort to these machinations. As for why I didn’t shake hands with her when she was sworn in – as you know, puppies when they are happy have a habit of pissing all over you. As to her having independence and courage as some of you have hoped, remember that her clone, Donna, after she was dismissed by the electorate, in a subsequent lame-duck session voted for my recreation center. It takes independence and courage to do something like that, I guess.

It took Sue less than a week to spend an entire afternoon with Curt and I, and our associates. If you feel that is innocuous, you might ask when she will be spending an afternoon getting YOUR perspective on the issues! When she said she’d look carefully at all sides, you didn’t know she meant all sides of Curt Geiger, did you? Remember that to serve on the Council you must have the following qualifications: No firm opinions, lots of time on your hands, and a desire to idle your hours away associating with people. In other words, you must have no intelligence, no life of you own, and be a sycophant. You must be looking for a way – not to serve the public – but to take a shortcut to the halls where the beautiful people dwell. Sue knows, and you should know, that she is one of us now.

With her appointment, the Council is now comprised entirely of women, with the exception of the two eunuchs. And a majority of them are still mine. This is all just too easy. Now you know how it all happened, and so you can quit guessing.