All About Sue -

With all the interest there still is in the selection process relating to Susan VanHooser, I have to wonder, why didn’t you just ask?

I told my most reliable Council operatives that if there were to be five finalists, to forget the CEO, the CFO, and all those other idiots. I told them I wanted: Three jerks, one Mexican, and one puppy. In other words, I needed four they would not choose, and one they couldn’t resist, so the vote would be unanimous. I was glad to see for the five, they picked my friend JT, plus a thief, plus a homeless man, plus the required Mexican. I was delighted that for the puppy, they chose a clone of the last puppy they had to pick for a Council replacement (Donna Burdett). They got somebody who is non-controversial, easy to manipulate, and who is experienced in government services, i.e. kissing up to the big boys.

As a matter of fact, since I have frozen DNA samples of all Council members I will give $1000 to the first person who can show even one genome of difference between Donna Burdett and Susan VanHooser. (For those wanting to enter the competition, you can pick your vial up at my secretary’s freezer with a $100 deposit for when you lose.)

Some said I looked unhappy when Sue was chosen. No, what you saw was disgust. Like the videos I watch in my den after midnight, there are things in this life that I may find revolting, but that I know I have to do – like working within a system that refuses to give me the carte blanche power I deserve, making me resort to these machinations. As for why I didn’t shake hands with her when she was sworn in – as you know, puppies when they are happy have a habit of pissing all over you. As to her having independence and courage as some of you have hoped, remember that her clone, Donna, after she was dismissed by the electorate, in a subsequent lame-duck session voted for my recreation center. It takes independence and courage to do something like that, I guess.

It took Sue less than a week to spend an entire afternoon with Curt and I, and our associates. If you feel that is innocuous, you might ask when she will be spending an afternoon getting YOUR perspective on the issues! When she said she’d look carefully at all sides, you didn’t know she meant all sides of Curt Geiger, did you? Remember that to serve on the Council you must have the following qualifications: No firm opinions, lots of time on your hands, and a desire to idle your hours away associating with people. In other words, you must have no intelligence, no life of you own, and be a sycophant. You must be looking for a way – not to serve the public – but to take a shortcut to the halls where the beautiful people dwell. Sue knows, and you should know, that she is one of us now.

With her appointment, the Council is now comprised entirely of women, with the exception of the two eunuchs. And a majority of them are still mine. This is all just too easy. Now you know how it all happened, and so you can quit guessing.

Thinking about my life -

While I was up late last night thumbing through the lawsuits people have filed against the city and researching the nuances of the bankruptcy code as applied to municipalities, I got to thinking: About my life, about the great people I have known, and about the changes in me since I took office. This mayor’s job is the only one I’ve ever been able to hold for more than 18 months, but it’s given me something I call, “perspective”.

Take Curt Geiger. Some of you know he works for a Japanese company – people he refers to privately, and affectionately I think, as “Mr. Nagasaki and the Hiroshimas.” Perspective: Before I became mayor I might have seen a man who kneels on all fours to people with bowl haircuts – people who you have to turn upside down like rabbits just to tell what sex they are. But now, I can see that it’s these good people’s chopsticks that butter this great man’s bread. Perspective: You may say that you know somebody who works at Kosmos Burger who manages more people than Curt does, and you may be right. I on the other hand, see a man who is an actual “Vice President.” I know many such men. Do you?

Perspective: You may say that nobody supports the gondola. But that’s because you see only the small fry living their little lives from West 24th Street to Shadow Valley. I on the other hand see the cement people, the gravel people, the asphalt people, as well as both Chambers of Commerce – the white one and the Mexican one. And I see that fully 98% of the people who have an angle on the gondola, are in support of it. I can also see the contractors who visualize the vast potential in taxpayer-capitalized projects and who have the foresight to offer Jazz tickets and condo stays to elected officials who can share in that vision.

Perspective: It’s the 98% who matter, because it’s they who will give me a job if I get voted out. Will any of you? The gondola will go in: Alongside you, or under your nose, or if need be, up it.

BTW. This is the new picture the SE is using for me. They said the one they had before was scaring small children.

You people are so transparent -

Just when I get to thinking I’m the smartest man in the state, I realize I’m really the smartest man alive. Take this blog. I know you people better than you know yourselves.

I wondered, “Why are they so interested in the names of the people who didn’t get on the council, in other words, in a bunch of LOSERS?” Why do they comb city codes looking for boring rules? Why are they churning and churning it? Is it because they’re a bunch of shut-ins with nothing to do? Is because they’re like Irishmen and Arabs in that they’re naturally contentious and will fight about anything no matter how small? No!

It’s because you’re government junkies!! You don’t knock people like me because we’re corrupt, venal, and stupid. You do it because you’re envious of us! That’s right! It doesn’t make you mad somebody like Stuart Reid treats the city for years like it’s his own prison girl, then “quits”, then is immediately re-hired in an extra-bureaucratic capacity! What makes you mad is to see him continue to have his face so far in the public trough he can barely breathe – and it’s not YOU that’s getting all the slop!! Hahahahahaha!

If you had the brass for it, some of you might actually RUN for office sometime! But it will never happen! You’d rather sit back and throw rocks, even if it’s at each other! That’s why the system will continue to give people like me free reign! I gotta call Curt! This just made my day!